Letters from the alleyway

Creative. Beautiful. Great read!!

follow your nose

20140425-180623.jpg Lately has been a patch of such intensity, so much pressure in every direction, that each glimmer of tenderness, of humanity, of a hand reaching out in the chaos has felt like a branch that must be held onto tightly in hopes of slowing the relentless slide down a slope.
20140425-180449.jpg 20140425-180709.jpg That dream the other night of a house where everything you touch turns into something else – you pick up the umbrella, it turns into an eel, you grab the doorhandle, it turns into a salamander.
A house of so many tricks and false faces and turns and complications, and in the dream I am trying and trying to leave, to take my son and go live with a man I’ve met by the seaside, a fisherman, to go and live a simple life, the three of us, if I can just escape this house….
But – 20140425-180553.jpg But I can’t…

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This Could Be Me… (You can’t be sure, You don’t know)

Okay! I feel so guilty, perhaps because I am. I feel like bursting out in tears right about now for no reason whatsoever. Well, there is a reason… There are reasons. Too many to think of… I don’t understand how I – as a “seemingly” responsible citizen of the world can be so… This thing that I am. All these things. Daft, juvenile, daft, careless, daft… I’ve become the person I always said I wouldn’t. I make it a point not to have any regrets, and really I don’t. I just have a HUGE problem with the way I think and handle certain situations…

I want to change, I really do… I just don’t want to lose myself in the process… How do I change and not stop being me? It’s sooo difficult. I’ll decide to change and then put 5 days of thought into it. Too many thoughts lead to too many decisions and that in turn leads to so much confusion. I’d like to think that I’ve changed. I’m better and I’m worse (I won’t get into that), but really… Mostly I’ve stayed the same. “The more things change, the more they stay the same…” Do I even have the power to change? Am I allowed to? Am I supposed to? For who? (Well, besides myself of course) how will it affect my future, my life and all things that influence whatever happens in it?

I swear… Confusion and frustration are all I’ve ever known, and somehow – in some twisted way… I think I prefer it that way. I must, if I’m not willing to do anything about it… Obviously. Perhaps I need to pray harder, care more, love more – Lord knows I can’t afford to smile and laugh any more than I already do… I do that waaay too much. Perhaps I need to shut the whole world out, meditate. Be with my creator. When I come back, though… Will they still be there? Why do I care though, when I have Him?

I don’t know much… If anything at all… But I think it’s time to reassess… Well… This. All of it. Everything. Everyone. I too want to find meaning to life… Find my purpose… Find my happy place. Being stuck on this grey cloud isn’t doing much for me. I need to breathe easier, without having to think whether I’m doing it right or not… My happy pill’s got to be made out of so much more than just paracetamol and codeine… The numbness stops tonight. Wait, haha… I just figured out why I’m not breathing so easily… My bra is still on…. Let me take care of that while I try to figure a little more of myself out. 🙂
That’s the thing with me… I’m always trying to figure life out, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to know how this thing even works. Am I using it properly? Am I abusing it? Should I stop over-thinking it? What in the world am I supposed to with myself while I’m alive?? I feel like I need a manual on how to live. There’s the Bible, of course… There are also… Challenges, obstacles, things man… Pff!

Oooh! And please! People need to stop saying they know me! You might know OF me, know of my existence… But you don’t KNOW me, know me. :’D I myself am still trying to figure out who these thumbs belong to! All I know is… God is my Father, and Jesus is my Saviour… You are my sister / brother — or friend, if you have been friendzoned :). Okay, I also know that I’m a little timid, temperamental, I wouldn’t say smart, but I know a FEW things, I’m capable of loving, I love to be loved – not too much though 😦 , I’m a good person who makes very bad decisions most of the time, I’m impatient (working on that), I’m grateful all the time… Aaaand I don’t know how to finish most of my sentences :’). I’m not sure why you’re reading this, but thank you for taking the time to read it. Take care of your pets, wash behind your ears, eat healthy but don’t expect me to do the same… Be thankful and show appreciation for all your blessings… Most importantly, ALWAYS remember that YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Seriousleeeeh -__-

I’m not going to proof read this because I started off a little too emotional. Might get that way again and I’m totally avoiding it. So… If there are any grammar or spelling errors, err… Feel free to notice them while I sit here and pretend not to care that there may or may not be missing words or fullstops in the wrong places. I’m seriously bad at ending off conversations. Not that this is a conversation. Well, it kind of is… Between my mind and my two thumbs… Wow. Well then… Yes. <<<( Who ends a blog entry with that word?? O_o seriousleeeeh) << well now it's this word. (Not really a word) < dude O_O

This is me, today.

Oh my jello! It’s been so long since I’ve been here… I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight, lost my complexion and gained it back (Thank goodness!!! – yes, I look even better now. Hardly get those horrible blackheads and nasty pus -filled pimples. I mean, I still get them, but hardly) My boobs haven’t stopped growing :/… At some point I started getting facial hair, due to copious amounts of stress… I’ve had countless (empty) promises made to me, I’ve been lied to, I’ve had my spirit beaten down to a pulp and I think I’ve reached one of my lowest points in the past… Err… Few months? Many months? This isn’t an English lesson, get off my case. I myself have made a number of promises I couldn’t and sometimes just didn’t want to keep. I’ve lied (err, too many times I reckon), I’ve pretended (to be interested in something(s) ridiculously boring, to be okay, not to be annoyed – wait this might take up too much time, let me move on.)

Oh my flapjack, I forgot the most important one! I’ve been SO jealous! What a horrible feeling!!! What a terrible space I was in, I felt selfish and evil for wanting what didn’t belong to me. No, that doesn’t make me a silly bimbo, that makes me human ( ˘˘̯). Boy, is it difficult being human (┎_⌣̩̩̀) these faces are totally dramatizing my text, OK, I seriously like that.

Uh, so I was saying… I even took a month long break from Facebook, Twitter and meat! (X_X). I also dropped my phone in a bathtub full of my own dirt (and water -ugh, I know, right? Don’t tell my Dad). I worked until my head started to spin ( I won’t say where) and got no recognition whatsoever.

I met sooo many new people I like, got reconnected with old friends that I somehow lost along the way. Gave my number to people I never want to meet again, nevermind speak to on the phone! Why do I do that???

Gee, I’m never going to finish! To cut a long story short, I’m happy now. All my previous experiences have groomed and molded me into who I am today – May 1st 2013 (just so you don’t get confused o_O – I dunno why you would, honestly) I’m slightly more confident than was before, my vocabulary is still failing me ( well, I’ve accepted that I can’t have everything – no android phone, no car, no apartment, no exotic looks, no sexy accent, no money, no what! (As that old man from the Maleven doccie would say) shame on you for not knowing who that is ( ˘˘̯).. Wotevz), I’m wiser – I still make the dumbest mistakes, but only when I’m not thinking, see? – I’m a lot more… FABULOUS! Such an abused word. I didn’t think I’d describe myself as being that either, did I mention I also like to surprise myself now? I’ve been doing that A WHOLE LOT lately. JJ knows what I’m talking about, and one day when I hit rock bottom and decide to write a tell-all book about my exciting but mostly pathetic life, you too will know what I was referring to in this very paragraph. The very same paragraph I can’t seem to end. Okay, it has officially ended.

It’s so sad how none of these post have some sort of underlying meaning or motivational message… Really though, they’re not meant to. As much as I’d like to motivate you people, I still have a whole lot of work to do on myself. Hey, I never said I was deep and what not… I mean… Look at this. Colloquial language, baddish (okay now it’s bad because I’m making up silly words) grammar, a very, very , veeeerrrrry limited vocabulary and err… Hey, my spelling’s not that bad! Bottom line is, I don’t rhyme or type about super deep emotions, I don’t make any sense a lot of the time… I reckon if we were all wise and philosophical, pea brains like me wouldn’t exist, meaning people wouldn’t laugh as much – AND someone would know what the hek is going on in my brain. -____- no fun in that.

My thumbs hurt. *sigh* until next time. Remember, you’re not normal either. See motivational stuff just isn’t me. I should stop typing. I will stop. Now.

Birhday Buzz

*sigh* now under normal circumstances I wouldn’t do that.. But it’s my birthday and I have no idea how to act. Yes, it’s flattering to have people faff over you, but not when it’s for 2 two to five seconds and it’s purely awkward. Every year I spend about 15 days to a month wondering what my “big day” is going to be like. The more I try to romantisize it, the more disappointing the outcome. Out of all the birthdays I’ve ever had, I remember my 13th as being the best ever. All my friends organised a “surprise” birthday party. Even though I totally knew about it, I acted as surprised as I could and had as much fun as I could. The memory is still as fresh as ever. It was just so beautiful. Now I’m 22 and I’ve got hundreds of people wishing me a “happy birthday”. Honestly, I don’t know why some of them bother with this “HBD” rubbish. If you don’t want to say it, keep it to your thumbs. I don’t know how I expected this day to turn out, but (I know I shouldn’t because it’s just an ordinary day for most) I’m sorely disappointed. I was supposed to take myself out on a date and get to know my 22 year old self better, but well… That didn’t quite work out as expected. So here I am, trying to collect my thoughts and prepare for days to come. Hopefully they’ll be a little less awkward. I guess I should be grateful. Not that I’m not. God knows the deal, I’ve already had a Father to daughter conversation with Him. It just sucks having to think stuff up when people ask “so what are your plans for today?” Or “what did you get?”… Next time, DON’T ask me that. I’m not popular and nor am I royalty. If I were anyone of those things, I imagine that those questions would be a lot easier to answer.

I’m glad it’s almost over, people can go back to ignoring me and I can go back to not giving a damn. I’m glad I made it this far 🙂 I hope I’ll hope I’ll get to see tomorrow, and perhaps the day after that. For now, I’m going to have to bare with the awkwardness till just before midnight… And then tomorrow, it’s back to normal for me and it gets awkward for another weird lame’o… Thank goodness we don’t get to celebrate days like these everyday. Happy sixteenth birthday to me and whoever else is secretly turning a hundred. Xoxo

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Runaway Baby…

Most guys that have ever tried to court me will tell you… I’m a runner. Ha! Just thinking about it right now makes me want to burst with laughter. I have the most complicated love life for a single person. Err… By single, I mean I’m alone, but not lonely and currently not seeing -or doing anything for that matter- anyone.

Although I’m naturally “boy-crazy” (and I’ve always been), I seem to behave like a person who is the exact opposite of that. I’m not afraid to declare my undying love for the male population. Hek, I’d rather do that than be labelled as that girl who bats for the other team or even worse… The confused ambidextrous broad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a homophobe. Those things just aren’t me. Like I said, I love boys, I always have. Yes, I realise how disgraceful and cheap that statement makes me seem, but really which heterosexual female is going to disagree with me? Hmm.. Thought so. I love boys, but that really  doesn’t mean I want anyone to do anything about it.

One of my friends reckons I’m afraid of them. I will admit, they make me really nervous, but afraid? The only things I’m afraid of are menstrual pain and things that crawl and slither. I’m not sure what it is though that makes me panic so much whenever a person of the opposite sex shows interest in me. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that dating isn’t something I’m supposed to be doing. I’m actually starting to believe that. I’ve always thought that not everyone is meant to fall in love. Some of us are meant to fall in love with other things besides…. People. Some people fall in love with their careers, some fall in love with their religion, some with their studies (don’t you just hate how bad those people make us ordinary folk look?) And some, with themselves. Some of us are meant to find love in the most awkward places. That’s what I think.

I think I might be one of those people… Who aren’t meant to fall in love with another human being. I LOVE drooling over pretty faces and toned bodies, but for now it’s all I’m going to do. I’ll always split at the first sign of emotion. Perhaps I’m this way because there are so many types of love, that I don’t know which one to go with. I don’t know about you, but that makes perfect sense to me. There’s that “you make my heart skip a beat” kind of love and that “you make me say and do the craziest things” kind of love and that “I want this forever” kind of love… I could go on forever. To me though, the most common type of love these days is that “I wanna love you right now” kind of love. Right now but maybe not tomorrow and the day after. People are just soooo good at manipulation these days, one can hardly tell who’s being genuine.

I’d like to save myself the trouble of kissing the frogs and skip straight to the good stuff. My fairytale ending doesn’t have to happen with a knight or prince in it, it just has to have truck loads of love. That’s all I need to be happy. So… I’d appreciate it if Mr. Right Now made an unexpected turn and got lost. I’m not sure I want to find you as yet… So, if you’re going to keep coming… I’m going to keep running…. Marathon style.

Good morning, goodnight…

I just had the worst dream… This one’s worse than those ones you get where you’re in a car and it falls off a cliff? Much worse. I’m typing this with one eye open, I’m still half asleep. I’m not sure what woke me first… The dream or the sound of my alarm going off… Which I almost never hear. The dream is oddly related to my first post, worst thing that could ever happen to a girl. I had a pile of clothes in my suitcase, but there were no warm clothes or shoes inside. How could I have been so stupid?? To leave my jerseys and jackets behind in the middle of winter? Boots and slippers? Really??? I reckon I should get out of bed this instant, one eyed and all… But it’s so warm and – well it’s warm, as it should be 🙂 I’m contemplating closing the other eye, but I want to finish this story. Something’s going on in my tummy… Feels like a war between – no, it feels like indigestion… Or ulcers… Or heartburn. I don’t know what the hell it is!! Let’s call it a burning sensation in my tummy which feels like it’s climbing up into my throat? No? That doesn’t make sense. I’ll risk making a fool of myself and use all three of the above-mentioned medical terms. I wonder if this is how dragons felt, if they ever existed. The ones I’ve seen on tv are always so grouchy… Perhaps they too had indigestion or heartburn… Probably not, but okay.

I still smell like atchaar, well my fingers do. The smell isn’t as strong as it was last night, but it’s there. The rest of me smells like ham, or it could just be my upper lip. Ham?? Gross… I should get out of bed and be awesome, the only problem is… I don’t feel so awesome, but fake it till you make it, right? I just realised that all my cold/flu symptoms have disappeared. What’s in that medicine?? Magic? Probably not. I’m wide awake now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t go back to sleep. I have every intention of doing so.

In the back of my mind, somewhere – that rusty place – my dream keeps replaying itself. What did it mean? Did it have a spiritual meaning? Was it just my brain telling me not to forget my warm clothes and shoes? Was it just a dream? Is someone going to answer me?

I want to go back to sleep and forget about that dream and the indigestion/ ulcer/ heartburn and the ham and atchaar (wonder what that would taste like in a sandwich…). This isn’t what I wanted to say today, so I might say something else. I can’t believe I woke up just to type this! Surely I would’ve remembered half of it when I woke up – eventually.

Now you know how my mind works… Almost. I think. The sun’s coming up, but goodnight.


this is how i look... and feel

this is how i look… and feel

I have all these words floating around in my head and I can’t figure out which one to use first. Well it seems I have, because I managed to start with … I… I’m laying in bed with what seems to be a fever – well that’s what it feels like. I’m not quite sure what a fever should feel like because I rarely ever get sick. I typed that with a smug smile on my face, in my head. There’s a lot going on in my head today. Only because I’m too sick to voice my thoughts like I usually do. That doesn’t mean I should be sitting somewhere in a psychiatric ward though, does it? I’ve always wondered about that. Not to seem vain, but my voice has a pretty unfair advantage over most voices. You know? Like being biracial gives you an unfair advantage over NORMAL people with just one race? It could be that I’m the only one who thinks so. Wotevz.

Can I be honest? I don’t know why I’m doing this. I’m enjoying doing it though, it’s taking my mind off the unnecessary stress I tend to pile on myself. My favourite thing to do is worry. I always say that I’m a “natural born worrier”. I can’t help but think I was born that way. I worry when I’m not worried. Just thinking about that worries me. Where am I going with this? Excuse me, I do that a lot.

As much as I love to sleep… Spending the whole day in bed is the worst thing that could happen to me. I say this as though I have better things to do during the day. (._.) The truth is, I actually do. I wake up every morning and I become the awesome weirdo that some people like… A lot. Though, I must say… If I had left the house today, no one would’ve liked me so much. I look pale and weak and smell of mango atchaar. I know, right? You don’t even have to say it. I’m not even going to try and explain that story to you. Maybe on a good day.

I have no clue what I’m going to do with myself now… Perhaps try talk myself out of my own misery. In my head. This post made no sense to me at all. I have every right to put the blame on my being sick. Don’t judge me. I’m going to sleep…

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introducing me…

I’m about as indecisive as a girl can be… That’s all it takes to describe me, really. I can never decide on just one thing and stick to it. Like right now, for instance… I’m having a problem with packing my bags. I don’t know what to take and what to leave behind. I KNOW I’m not going to wear three quarters of the clothes I’ve already packed, but I honestly can’t decide on what to drop to get my luggage feeling lighter. I’ve never thought about it, but it just dawned on me… This is how life is for me… This is what I always do! Pile on problems that I don’t really have to deal with and fret about which one to solve first or which one shouldn’t really be my problem in the first place!

Looking at my suitcase right now and all the clothes that are sticking out is exactly the type of thing that makes me… A purple baby ogre. That’s another thing about me… I have yet to exist in the “real world”. Right now I’m just an idea, really. I haven’t yet found my purpose in life. I know who I am and where I’m from, but I’m not quite sure I know why I’m still breathing. Not that I don’t like the idea of being able to wake up and breathe everyday, but… Excuse me, I’m rambling. Hi, my name is… Perhaps you don’t need to know that just yet. What matters is, in about three months time, you’re going to start to like me. That is of course if I write often enough. I know this because… Well I don’t really know that, but I’m hoping you’ll like me because if you don’t then I might end up thinking I’m not as cool as my Facebook friends think I am. Between you and me, I think they’re just dull blow up dolls I breathe life into every time I’m active on Facebook. You didn’t really need to know that.

I’m going to continue packing and unpacking and possibly even re-packing whatever is it that I’m not going to wear. Did I mention how horrible I am at ending things? Endings can be awkward, so instead of ending this piece of writing, I’ll just disappear like I was never even here…